The First Time

There’s no excuse for adultery. So why did I do it. I certainly didn’t go out and decide to cheat. We had been married less than a year when it happened. Hmmm, so how can I explain this without putting any blame on my wife? Well, I was weak. Unable to stand up against the bickering and accusations at home until one day she walked by my desk and said hello.

See, I was previously married. My current wife always seemed to have an issue when I spoke to my ex-wife. I’m sure she doesn’t see it like that but that is the way it was. It did create a problem…so much so that it made me feel as if I had to be very short or talk to my ex-wife in a rough or “what do you want” kind of way, instead of being cordial.  It’s not like I had to speak with her everyday, we had a son and it was primarily about him or child-support. At any rate, it was issues with that and also a few other things. Being married again, I didn’t think it would be like this. Of course, it wasn’t a problem when we were dating. I guess since I had my own apartment and she had hers there was some individuality there.

Well ,I won’t mention her name, but she started speaking to me everyday on her way to her break and lunch. I won’t lie, it became flattering and exciting. She was very attractive and I didn’t mind the attention. The brief hello’s soon turned into an email and from there emails started coming everyday. We emailed each other for a while and conversations soon made their way about our spouses. I can’t remember all the details about hers but I knew what was going on with me. After awhile, we soon started talking about sex. I don’t need to say that those conversations were starting to get hot and steamy until one day she told me I could have whatever I wanted. It’s hard to fight against something that you want and can’t have; especially when it is being handed to you. Whatever day that was, she told me she would be waiting for me in the parking garage after work. I was like yeah, right. Even after she told me I could have her, I didn’t really believe it, or maybe I did. After work, I went into the garage and there she was. There was a very dark area in the corner that made it hard for anyone to see anything. In addition, she had dark tinted windows on her car. When I walked up, she was in the front seat. After some idle chit-chat she said “well”…

Man, that was the moment of testing. I could have backed out and walked away. I should have backed out and walked but I didn’t. As soon as she said that I started throbbing and was ready to explode right there. I said okay, and we got in the back seat. There’s no need to go into any details about what or how it happened. I will say that it was quick. It didn’t last long at all. But even then, she said that she wanted to do it again and that she would pay for a hotel room next time.

On the way home I was totally distraught. Yes, I regretted it and still do to this day. No…not for turning her down for a second time – which I did. Believe me I wanted to, badly. But deep inside I felt defiled, bad, wrong and everything else. It lasted for quite a while until I had to confess it to my Pastor.

Since we worked in the same building, I had to see her everyday. We continued to speak but not like before. I did tell her that I just couldn’t go totally all out and go to a hotel room with her…even though she was paying and still urging me. When an opportunity to work at another building came up, I jumped on it immediately. Once I transferred to another building, we saw less of each other and the emails soon stopped.

It would be several years until I made that mistake again…

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2 Responses to The First Time

  1. Debbie says:

    I suppose I will wait for the next posting to understand the full story or purpose.

    There is always hope and yes, there can be love and joy after adultery … but that doesn’t come without a price. Repentance, adjustment, accountability, maturing, growth, rebuilding trust… just my off-the-cuff opinion.

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