The Confession

Well, its several years later…around 2006 -07 I think. We were lying in bed when my wife asked me if I ever cheated on her. Why was this time any different from before. Yes, she had asked me this before over the years. I was advised never to tell her until the Holy Spirit led me to do so. I had made my confessions to God and my Pastor, but not to her. And for the record, I am a firm believer that it is not a good idea to tell your spouse if you’ve ever cheated. Why! Unless you have a strong leading from God to do so, it does no good for anyone to do so. Anyway, she set the whole conversation up quite well. She told me that she had already received help and healing from God and was ready to hear the news if I had ever cheated. She said that she knew from all the times she had asked me, that I wasn’t telling her the truth about it. So, I thought long and hard about what I was about to do. I remember my Pastor telling me that the Spirit of God would let me know if and when I ever had to tell her. At that point, I believed I received that unction to tell her, so I did. She said it was a sigh of relief, and knew it all along. She said that if I would have told her years earlier, our marriage would have been over; but that the Lord had prepared her to hear the truth.

It’s 2011 and several years later. We’re still together but I must say it is still a rough road. For the record, I admit that I messed things up. I cheated on my wife twice and I can’t ever take that back, and yes it has been tough for the both of us. On top of dealing with her own personal issues that existed long before she met me, my wife now has to deal with the stigma of having a husband that has cheated on her. And also for the record, I have my own personal issues too. I’ve been messed up since childhood and it all has a role in why I did what I did.

Some days are good and some are bad. Until there is total healing for the both of us, I think we will continue to have issues. Ya know, we are constantly reminded of infidelity and adultery almost everyday. Most of the televisions shows we watch are bombarded with sex, lies and adultery. I told my Pastor once that every time it comes up on TV I get a churning feeling in my stomach. I’m thinking to myself, “what is she (my wife) thinking as she watches this”? In addition, at times I still have a guilty feeling as if she doesn’t know and I’m still trying to keep it away from her….yeah, it’s weird.

So, there it is. I cheated twice and I live the consequences of it everyday. My wife did not deserve what happened. Sometimes I look at her and my heart goes out to her for what I put her to. My heart goes out to her for how she feels and what I took from her. I robber her of the assurance and security in having a “Man”…a husband that loves his wife so much that no matter what lies before him, he would never be with another woman.

How can a thief return that which he has stolen???

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