It’s strange how we remember the things we remember. Yes, my blog is about Overcoming Adultery but I do believe that everything I’ve been through in my life has contributed and shaped me into who I am and was when I cheated. That’s why I’m revealing my past, all the poems and things I’ve written along the way, and my experiences coming up. Some people would say that there aren’t any excuses for doing wrong and I must agree. However; excuses and reasons are different and I think I do have reasons. Those reasons have been built up inside me for years and years…covered up by emotional breakdowns and never getting the help that a child or anyone who has experienced trauma needs.
Anyway, here’s a memory. After my mom died I went to live with my Aunt in Louisiana. I remember going to a carnival at the Civic Center. We passed by some hotdogs and I remember yelling out and pointing and saying, “ooh, I want one”. The next thing I knew my aunt popped me in the mouth and said, “I know you’re not hungry, boy shut up”.
I tell that story because it is a memory that I have. It’s a fresh memory that I often think about after I’ve lashed out at my kids. I try my best not to do that but I’m not always successful. When my girls are 43 years old, I don’t want them to look back and have vivid and real memories of the moments in their childhood when I lashed out at them.
Ya know, the lashing out is a symptom of a life time of hurt, harm and devastation that I’ve experienced. It’s easy to say that we wouldn’t or shouldn’t yell at our kids…and that is true…WE SHOULDN’T. So even though I do miss the mark often, I also try to give them fond memories. I try to hold them, love them and kiss them and be there for them as often as I can. Sometimes I just call them out of the blue and hug on them and kiss them. Why???? Because I don’t have memories of that being done for me.