As I look back over these poems I write, some of the same feelings come to mind. As I mentioned, I wrote many of these poems during some pretty low places in my life. Feelings of loneliness, solitude, uncertainty, anger…you name it.
I remember I gave my wife one of the poems I wrote. I think it was called Borrowed Time…I’ll post it after I finish this. Anyway, she said, “who did you write this for”? I could tell that she didn’t believe me when I told her “no one”. That was the truth. I didn’t write it for anyone in particular. I wrote it out of loneliness and the idea of someone special. She told me that it couldn’t be true. She looked at some of the poems I wrote and said these had to be about someone. She wasn’t totally wrong. The fact is that I did write them for someone. That someone was a person I longed for but didn’t have. That person was someone I wanted to love and to be loved by, but she didn’t exist. In a sense, it was from a fairy tale passion I had inside of me it had nowhere else to go but onto a napkin.
I remember I used to have this reoccuring dream when I was much younger. I would be inside a pitch black gym. I always knew someone was in there with me but since it was void of any light I didn’t know who. You would think I would have been afraid, but I wasn’t. Anyway, I would walk around with my arms stretched out and every now and then I would touch that person…which turned out to be a woman. It seemed like it turned into a game of cat and mouse as I frantically searched. Everynow and then I would catch her and we would hold and embrace and make love right there where we were. Sometimes I couldn’t find her…while in other dreams I found her right away. Remember I said this was a reoccurring dream. I had this dream many, many times. Some people may think this is weird, but I used to go to sleep looking for her. And the crazy thing about it is that whenever I started having the dream, I KNEW I was inside the dream. So, I immediately started looking for her. Another weird thing is that we never talked. All we did was find each other and make love. Many times I would have an orgasm…..yes, a wet dream! I would wake up and have to go clean up afterwards. I had this dream for a very long time until the dream broke down. What I mean by that is that I would have the dream but I could’t find her anymore. Or, when I found her I would immediately wake up. It’s been over twenty years since I’ve had that dream.
So, I wrote my wife a few poems since we’ve been married and it seems like she just isn’t into them. I would say that it stems from the adultery, but it was before that.