If there ever has been a generation cycle of hurt, harm and death then it has been with us. As I’ve previously mentioned, my dad didn’t want me after my mom died. Such a hard thing to go through as a kid. But I have to take that and realize that my very own son feels the same way about me. I wasn’t there for him and to him I’m just another Joe Blow on the street, or dead! Over the year’s I’ve tried to reach out to him but he doesn’t want anything to do with me now.
So why did I abandon him? Why did I walk away from his life and didn’t visit, call or anything. Oh, yeah I can say I visited every now and then but that means nothing. No, I was a bum dad as far as anyone is concerned. Why!
To be honest, I really don’t know why. I have to admit that I didn’t know what it is or how it feels to love someone, even my own son. I was so removed from the feeling of love that it was quite natural for me to know that I’m supposed to love, but somehow can’t find the key ingredient to make it manifest or come out. And for so long I couldn’t even grasp the thought that it was wrong not to love or feel, even though I said I did or wanted to feel. I know many of you don’t believe this or probably can’t relate to what I’m saying. It’s like I’m missing a whole area of development that I was supposed to go through and experience while growing up. But since I didn’t, it’s like I’m functioning and living without that vital part. Sometimes I feel like Data on Star Trek. He was an Android, who couldn’t relate to or experience human emotions. The more I think about it I guess I could say that I was(am) more like Spock…emotionless!!!!