No one would ever think they could comitt suicide. However, until you have been pushed to the brink of whatever dread and consuming misery that leads you to the thought to take your own life then you just wouldn’t understand. It’s like trying to tell a virgin about sex. Until a person experience the exhillerating feeling of an explosive orgasm, they just won’t understand.
I never thought I would be able to comitt suicide, nor would I ever classify myself as a candidate. I mean, come’on…me! Are you serious?
It wasn’t until I was at such a low point in my life that I realized just how close I was to such a thing. There was a huge void in my life that couldn’t be filled with anything. A playboy and mack daddy who could screw almost any girl he wanted to, found himself lonely, confused and empty. It was so bad that I even developed a fear of talking to women. I actually hated geting off of work because that meant I would have to go home and be alone. So I would go to the mall and hang out and watch people walk by. If I did see a young lady that peaked my interest, I soon became too afraid to even approach her. Sex soon started to become dull and nasty. I had a few girls that I would call up and sleep with from time to time but that stopped one day when I felt this horrible feeling of being ashamed after having sex with one of them. I’m sure she thought I lost my mind when I told her that she needed to leave; I know I did. The only buddy I used to hang with was distancing himself from me because of bad situation I put him in with another woman. He was married and I (being stupid) introduced him to a girl who though he was cute. He ended up having an affair with her and his wife eventually found out. Yeah, he was a grown man but I still felt responsible. Anyway, that was my boy and we just kind of drifted apart after that. Anyway, I was at my wit’s end…and didn’t know what to do. I still had feelings for a girl whom I truly loved, but we had broken up a year prior…that’s another story.
So there I was. Alone and in despair…no friends, no companionship and no family either. I didn’t have any family in the city at the time and it was the pits. Some days I would just start crying uncontrollably. I recognized these crying moments because I used to have them after the death of my mother. Seeing your mother murdered at the age of 5 will hand you a life of crap. Anyway, sometimes I would get in my car and just drive. I used to be in a car club a few years prior so sometimes it felt good to get on the highway and push the needle past 120 mph. And it was during one of those moments that I thought to myself…I should just turn the wheel. Yeah, when you’re going that fast you’re pretty much guaranteed not to survive the collision. It wasn’t until I had that thought more than once that I realized that I was suicidal.
So, whenever I hear or read about someone who has or wants to comitt suicide, I definitely understand. To that person I will say; life will get better. It stinks and will be hard as $#%@…but life will get better. You have to take life one moment at a time. The moments will become occassions…the occassions will become time…and time will soon pass. Pretty soon, days will become weeks, weeks will become months and months will become years and your life will get better.