My Depressive Rant

Quite frankly I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired. I’m tired of living in the past, or using the past to comfort my present. When I find myself feeling sad, alone, lonely, pissed off and any of those depressive words, I often remeniss about the old days. Mind you my childhood was not that great, but there were pockets or at least “things” that bring me comfort. Like certain songs and good memories that go along with those songs. But I’m tired of being jerked around by emotion. I’m sick of scrapping and scratching to make ends meet; and I’m tired of this BORING life I live. Money is not the issue either, because the more money I make the more debt I create. COME ON MAN!!!!!!!! There’s got to be more to living than this piece of crap life I’m living right now. There are so many people who have it a lot worse than I do…and here I am complaining!!! I would tell myself PLEASE…sack up and drive on! But I can’t even do that right now. I want to cry…but what good will that do. I wish my mom was alive so I could let her hold me and make things better. Huh, but I don’t even know if she would be capable of that. I don’t know what kind of woman she was or who she would be today. She was murdered when I was five and my dad (whatever) is dead too! My growing up family is dysfunctional…at least in my mind. Or maybe I’m the one who’s dysfunctional. Now I have a wife I can’t talk to or relate to. And the same for her. She feels the same way about me. We walk around the freaking house like roomates with benefits. My kids are great, WONDERFUL and I love them. But they don’t have a clue about how daddy feels. My work is suffering and I just don’t know what to do. When I’m at work I wish I was at home…and when I’m at home I wish I was at work. I dream of sitting down on my back patio and relaxing but NEVER do it…WTF!!! Like I’m some old fart who’s life is over and all I can do is enjoy a cool breeze on the porch. REALLY!!!!!

Man, I just feel trapped. Trapped in a life that’s not supposed to be mine. Come’on man…get yo @#$% up and do something. Change something, shake it off and snap out of it. Yeah, easier said than done. I remember years ago I was battling a bout of depression. The job I was in didn’t make it any better either since most of my day was spent alone in an office. Anyway, I saw this Psychiatrist who pissed me off. I was the one depressed and in need of something but this dude was a putz. Needless to say I didn’t go back…uuuugggghhhh!

And NOW….to top it off this person named Chelsey Grainger who liked one of my posts and followed me may have just gotten me in some trouble at work. I clicked on her name and it took me to her PORN site…THANKS ALOT!

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