NOT GoOD ToDAy!

It’s been such a long time since I’ve posted anything here. A lot has happened. In fact, that’s why I’m writing right now. I’m a little broken at the moment. I wanna cry, wanna run and kick stuff over, punch holes in walls and all that. Earlier in the year my son committed suicide. He was only 24 years old and I missed out on his life. The fact is that we hardly knew each other. I mean we talked over the years, but he hated me. I didn’t like it but I guess I can’t blame him…I wasn’t there, just like my father wasn’t there for me!!!!

I learned so much about him by reading his emails, looking at is pictures and stuff. After he died, I search so hard to find out what really happened, and to this day I still don’t believe everything that was presented to me; but that’s another story. I had the honor and privilege of creating his funeral program. It was so hard at one point, but I got through it.

So, from time to time I have these moments. Moments when I just want to STOP….I mean just stop!!!!!!!

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Personality Profile

So I took this personality profile test. It is scary how accurate some of those tests are. I took several over the course of my life. Anyway, here are the results.

Portrait of an ENFP – Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
(Extraverted Intuition with Introverted Feeling)
The Inspirer

As an ENFP, your primary mode of living is focused externally, where you take things in primarily via your intuition. Your secondary mode is internal, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit in with your personal value system.

ENFPs are warm, enthusiastic people, typically very bright and full of potential. They live in the world of possibilities, and can become very passionate and excited about things. Their enthusiasm lends them the ability to inspire and motivate others, more so than we see in other types. They can talk their way in or out of anything. They love life, seeing it as a special gift, and strive to make the most out of it.

ENFPs have an unusually broad range of skills and talents. They are good at most things which interest them. Project-oriented, they may go through several different careers during their lifetime. To onlookers, the ENFP may seem directionless and without purpose, but ENFPs are actually quite consistent, in that they have a strong sense of values which they live with throughout their lives. Everything that they do must be in line with their values. An ENFP needs to feel that they are living their lives as their true Self, walking in step with what they believe is right. They see meaning in everything, and are on a continuous quest to adapt their lives and values to achieve inner peace. They’re constantly aware and somewhat fearful of losing touch with themselves. Since emotional excitement is usually an important part of the ENFP’s life, and because they are focused on keeping “centered”, the ENFP is usually an intense individual, with highly evolved values.

An ENFP needs to focus on following through with their projects. This can be a problem area for some of these individuals. Unlike other Extraverted types, ENFPs need time alone to center themselves, and make sure they are moving in a direction which is in sync with their values. ENFPs who remain centered will usually be quite successful at their endeavors. Others may fall into the habit of dropping a project when they become excited about a new possibility, and thus they never achieve the great accomplishments which they are capable of achieving.

Most ENFPs have great people skills. They are genuinely warm and interested in people, and place great importance on their inter-personal relationships. ENFPs almost always have a strong need to be liked. Sometimes, especially at a younger age, an ENFP will tend to be “gushy” and insincere, and generally “overdo” in an effort to win acceptance. However, once an ENFP has learned to balance their need to be true to themselves with their need for acceptance, they excel at bringing out the best in others, and are typically well-liked. They have an exceptional ability to intuitively understand a person after a very short period of time, and use their intuition and flexibility to relate to others on their own level.

Because ENFPs live in the world of exciting possibilities, the details of everyday life are seen as trivial drudgery. They place no importance on detailed, maintenance-type tasks, and will frequently remain oblivous to these types of concerns. When they do have to perform these tasks, they do not enjoy themselves. This is a challenging area of life for most ENFPs, and can be frustrating for ENFP’s family members.

An ENFP who has “gone wrong” may be quite manipulative – and very good it. The gift of gab which they are blessed with makes it naturally easy for them to get what they want. Most ENFPs will not abuse their abilities, because that would not jive with their value systems.

ENFPs sometimes make serious errors in judgment. They have an amazing ability to intuitively perceive the truth about a person or situation, but when they apply judgment to their perception, they may jump to the wrong conclusions.

ENFPs who have not learned to follow through may have a difficult time remaining happy in marital relationships. Always seeing the possibilities of what could be, they may become bored with what actually is. The strong sense of values will keep many ENFPs dedicated to their relationships. However, ENFPs like a little excitement in their lives, and are best matched with individuals who are comfortable with change and new experiences.

Having an ENFP parent can be a fun-filled experience, but may be stressful at times for children with strong Sensing or Judging tendancies. Such children may see the ENFP parent as inconsistent and difficult to understand, as the children are pulled along in the whirlwind life of the ENFP. Sometimes the ENFP will want to be their child’s best friend, and at other times they will play the parental authoritarian. But ENFPs are always consistent in their value systems, which they will impress on their children above all else, along with a basic joy of living.

ENFPs are basically happy people. They may become unhappy when they are confined to strict schedules or mundane tasks. Consequently, ENFPs work best in situations where they have a lot of flexibility, and where they can work with people and ideas. Many go into business for themselves. They have the ability to be quite productive with little supervision, as long as they are excited about what they’re doing.

Because they are so alert and sensitive, constantly scanning their environments, ENFPs often suffer from muscle tension. They have a strong need to be independent, and resist being controlled or labelled. They need to maintain control over themselves, but they do not believe in controlling others. Their dislike of dependence and suppression extends to others as well as to themselves.

ENFPs are charming, ingenuous, risk-taking, sensitive, people-oriented individuals with capabilities ranging across a broad spectrum. They have many gifts which they will use to fulfill themselves and those near them, if they are able to remain centered and master the ability of following through.

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Bounty

There have been days when I’ve been at work and didn’t even have $.60 for a soda….

Today is a good day!
image

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A Re-Ocurring Dream

Years ago I used to have this dream over and over again. I’m sure it means something in the spirit realm; not good for me I can imagine. In the dream I’m a Super-Hero. Some may say, cool! Well, it’s not so cool. In the dream I’m very limited in what I can do. I think I’m supposed to be Superman but I can only fly a few feet off the ground. I remember in one dream I was trying to fly this lady to safety and I could barely get off the ground….pathetic I know. Then there are times when I can’t see. It’s like I looking through a clouded, broken, refracted prism. So in order for me to barely see something, I have to tilt my head and focus and strain.

What does it mean?

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Leave Me Alone Please!

Some people can turn their anger off at the drop of a button. Unfortunately, I’m not like that and it does bother me. When I get upset or angry about something, I’m mad…please don’t talk to me, don’t ask me what’s wrong, don’t even look at me. At that point I don’t want to be bothered by anyone. Isn’t it crazy that it is during those times that people want to get up in your face and talk to you. For instance, today was just one of those days. I’m in a horrible mood and I’m mad. I get to work and park in the employee lot. Soon as I enter the lot I see two shuttle buses. Why are there two buses here!!!!!!! Both of them were on the other side of the lot and one was leaving. So I had to walk all the way to the 4th stop to catch the bus. But just as I started in that direction, the second bus starts to leave. So I yell out…Heeeeyyyy!

angry

Well, the bus comes around, pick me up and make another loop. At the 4th stop this guy gets on, and we are the only two people on the bus. I know my face is all jacked up and frumpy and I’m sure he can see I don’t want to be bothered….but what does he do. “Hey, did you see the Bears beat the Cowboys”? I didn’t respond right away because in my head I was saying, “would you please leave me alone”. So after about 5-7 seconds I said, “naaaah”. About a minute passed and he asked me, “so what do you do here”. Now I’m really pissed because he just won’t leave me alone. I told him that I work in Operations. I kind of shifted my weight in the seat and looked the other way. Then he started to say something else and I had to tell him….”look, I’m not in a good mood right now”. He was like, Oh, ok.

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Lucid Dreams

I was scurrying around on the internet and I ran across something called Lucid Dreams. The interesting thing about this is that at one point in my life I used to do this quite often, but just didn’t know there was a name for it. It basically means to actually know when you’re dreaming and to control them, your dreams that is.

I guess this is when my dirty little mind comes out because I used it as a sexual thing. I knew I was dreaming so I would get the most gorgeous woman around and have sex with her. I used to have this reoccurring dream that plagued my mind though. I think I spoke about it in one of my previous posts. In the dream, I would be in a pitch black room. I remember it being a gymnasium or cafeteria. Anyway, I was always in there with a woman but I couldn’t catch her, nor could I see her or even talk to her. Whenever I would catch her we would make love. The strange thing is that we didn’t talk, but I soon came to love this woman. I always new when I was in this dream and so I would start feeling around, looking for her. I kind of new there was something to this but just didn’t know what it was…Lucid Dreaming, Wow!

My dreams are weird now though, or non-existent. Half the time I don’t even remember my dreams, needless to say “control” them. I do remember at one point in my life I wasn’t dreaming at all. They say that we dream every night, but we just don’t remember them. I actually felt and believed that I wasn’t dreaming though. In fact, it bothered me quite a bit. I know that there was something to it because when I started dreaming again, my quality of life changed during that time for the better.

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A Women Scorned

thornrose

I’ve found that there is nothing worse than a woman scorned. Women are not supposed to be hurt so bad that the beautiful color of their rose is diminished by the prick of their thorn. Regardless of what color the rose, red, white, pink, purple, etc…their thorn should not be the part that WE live with.

I do remember the days when my wife’s rose was fragrant. However, I must say that even before the infidelity her thorn came out every now and then; with and without cause I must add.

To be honest, I don’t think we are going to make it. Oh, we may live together, raise our kids together and from time to time have sex together. But I don’t think our relationship will ever be loving anymore. I would love for it to be, but I’m loosing those thoughts more and more. I’ve even found myself becoming more angry as the days, months and years pass. Ya know, screwing another woman was not worth it. But the funny thing about it is that, now days I’m starting to think more and more about it. I’m lonely, unhappy, and even somewhat depressed at times. I don’t even think it is about the sex. I just want to feel again. I want to feel love and be loved. I want to hold a woman and want her to hold me back. I want HER to want me!!! Yeah, yeah, yeah…I know these are the thoughts and feeling that you would contribute to a woman. In fact, some may say how do I have the nerve to have THOSE feelings when I was the one who cheated. Well, that was years ago and I have’em. And the fact is that I can’t change neither one of them!!!!

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